i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
