What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
