She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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