This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
