apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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