U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
