ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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