This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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