Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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