You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
