the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
