i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
