i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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