He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
