dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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