So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
