Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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