I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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