ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
