1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
