He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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