My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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