"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Is Oprah even human
Floor bacon is actually really good
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
