Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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