rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
