I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
