I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
