I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
