He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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