Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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