apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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