dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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