I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
