Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I got inside last night via doggy door
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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