Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
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