i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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