If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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