She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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