She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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