you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
40s are totally the cure
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
