Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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