DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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