Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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