I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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