I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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