Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i think i just lost a toe
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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