from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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