That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
