I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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