Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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