I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
