we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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