____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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