Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
