I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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