There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
