I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
