Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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