You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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