There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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