I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
