I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just high enough for therapy.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
