the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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