I think I am morally bankrupt
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
