dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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