I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
