My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize